if only

Jim asked me a hypothetical question at our lunch date the other day. he asked me if i could turn back time and was given a choice to have my dad with us now, would i take it. he says the only catch is, if dad is, there is no guarantee that we would have boo today. 

this question came about because whenever we talk about my dad and where we are now, i would tell him the biggest regret in my life is not having dad with us. i'm married to a wonderful man, have a decent job and i have a beautiful child. i'm at a good place and i always thought my life would be perfect if dad was still here. if i could go back to Malaysia on an annual basis to visit him, tell him about my life here in Sydney, let him know that i'm doing well in Sydney because of the sacrifices he made. 

dad worked really hard for the family his entire life. he always put us ahead of himself. he gave up his dream car - a Mercedes S class, so that we could all go to uni. back in high school i told him once i started working, i would give him $500 pocket money a week so that he could save them all up to get his dream car. he laughed at me. after his liver transplant in 1997, i thought he'd be good as new and would continue to live a long and healthy life. to enjoy the fruits of his labour once we've all finished our uni degrees and are financially independent. to drive around town in his dream car, to walk us down the aisle, to play with his grandchildren, to travel with mum and to finally enjoy life. 

unfortunately, he never got to enjoy any of these before he left. he got really sick again just as Jessie graduated from uni. i clearly remember when i visited him at the time, he said to me, perhaps his mission in this world is now complete now that we are all independent and capable of looking after ourselves and mum too. he said he was glad that he had lasted that long to see us all graduate from uni. but deep down inside, i knew that he was looking forward to finally enjoy life and to receive his weekly pocket money from me. i thought it was very unfair that he didn't get a chance to be a proud father to his daughters. to see us become who we are today, to hold his grandchildren and spoil them. i wish he could still be here to play with boo and teach him the values he had taught us.

i couldn't answer Jim's hypothetical question because i miss him everyday and i would give up anything to have him here with us now. but i also can't live without boo and i want them both to be here and to meet each other. if only we could have it all.